Melbourne. August, 2020. I’d just celebrated my birthday on the very day which Stage 4 restrictions had been announced (even tighter lockdown measures than we’d already been experiencing for 3 weeks). Such a winning combination for feeling up to doing anything motivational, like writing, singing, exercise, or brushing my teeth. 

On one of the (very) few occasions I managed to haul my butt out of my apartment during lockdown, I found myself listening to Zombies, Run! as I usually do when I go walking, and thinking ‘too real’. My mind wondered as I walked along, and a narrative started to form. I ambled home (within the allocated hour), and smashed out a script. 

“@channel”, I Slacked to the Chaps. “It could be nice to do a Night Terrace lockdown related audio adventure, with some added encouragement for social media involvement. My thoughts are that we could release to backers as a “Thanks for loving us, stay safe, that’s good, keep warm” in the interim type of thing.”

The Chaps gave a thumbs up. We hashed out what the hashtag should be. David offered to score the music. Ben offered to make a spreadsheet. Just kidding! No, Ben as usual expertly figured out the best way to make my hair-brained idea a reality in order to get it to our beautiful backers. I figured out how to create a soundproof recording booth in my apartment, conveniently next to a noisy major road and construction site. We debated whether certain things were canon, or not. Ben added some tweaks to the script and I did my best to squeeze in every damn Night Terrace and sci-fi-in-general reference that I could think of (cut to me recording an extra one at 4am that I’d thought of while editing takes). Dave even put sci-fi references into the score!

One of the weirdest things about this process for me was trying to ‘find Sue’ again. A character’s voice I hadn’t performed in many years and, distressingly, without my beautiful Chaps (and Jackie!) around to bounce off or to receive direction from during takes. I performed to my laptop and re-watched so that I could re-absorb the Sue-isms, as we call it. There’s a take where I’m reading the script to camera, and cracked up at a joke that I had completely forgotten I had written (Iso Brain™, or, as Ben calls it “between two brains at the moment”).

We used Slack to sort out production issues, and I zoomed with Ben before recording to get performance and technical aspects right. We were all totally connected by technology – but the human connection, that’s the vital thing we can’t have right now. And it reiterated for me why it’s so important to us to wait and record Season Three with the entire cast in the studio together – when we’re finally allowed to. Because being in that room is such magic! And it’s that magic that, I think, you can really hear in the episodes of Night Terrace.

That being said, it has felt amazing to get back to creativity during a time that I was really struggling with inspiration, and brushing my teeth, and to connect again with my Chaps to produce a little something special that, hopefully, you’ll find just as fun as I have.

Agents, I know Sue looks forward to receiving the intelligence reports outlining your excellent field work. You can absolutely share this link with another trusted agent, if you wish. Eventually I’m sure it will get leaked more broadly, as tends to happen with D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. secrets. But for now, we want to ensure that you, dear Backer, have the opportunity to experience For Your Ears Only, first. 

Thank you, it’s good, keep safe. 

Petra

You have completed the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module.

Please listen to Agent Susan Denholm’s concluding remarks.

A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

Good work, Agent. You have completed the regime, undetected.

We know that being in the field incommunicado can be tough. Remember to fill the well. Bake yourself a sugary treat, pick a flower hanging over a fence and technically on public property, or take some time to experience some locally made, high quality audio comedy.

You deserve it.

The tenth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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Complete a bio scan of your human flesh. Where are the areas of current weakness?

If in the lower abdomen, look to where the water flows.

If in the throat area, you may need to hydrate. Drink 1 fnub.

If you have not prepared for this mission adequately, stay true to your disguise and locate either a café or a craft beer establishment.

Yes, I am aware that D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. agents have been trained to only ingest tea, due to the high risk of contamination by the cacao bean and barley crops of Bantonerro. This is an assumed risk, and it will do you good to build up a digestive resistance.

The ninth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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Agents can often scope out their environments undetected by utilising reflective surfaces. Find one.

Use your device to send a demonstration of your covert observance skills, transmitting using the code that you really should have memorised by now.

Do I have to tell you again? 

The eighth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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A good agent does not form bad habits.

Find the next street that you have not yet travelled upon, and turn into it.

Do your highly attuned D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. instincts suggest that you don’t take this particular path, due to an unsavoury smell, sight or feeling? If your mother told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?

Clearly not. Take the next one, Agent.

The seventh instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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Once at this location, listen very carefully. I shall say this only once. Our analysts have intercepted reports of strange noises at this location. We need your assessment, Agent.

Transmit either a transcription of the first sentence overheard, or do your best to mimic the sound you hear. Transmit via the bird channel or the medium of weighty moments.

The sixth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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There is a building to the northwest. Move toward it.

The fifth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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You have been detected by a rival agency utilising the latest bio-tracking technology. Walk quickly to the nearest nature dominant area, and find a section of grass that you can be seated on.

Close your eyes, so a retina scan cannot be performed, likely leading to your identification.

Slow your breath.

Breathe in for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and out for 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

And repeat.

Acknowledge every bone in your body, every muscle, every organ – except of course the ones that the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. has removed. No one really knows what a spleen does, after all.

Good work, agent. You have successfully evaded identification.

Resume your covert persona and take a selfie – for that is what normal humans do. Include a location item in the background, so that our agents can log this as an area patrolled by those who seek to destroy us. We cannot allow them to destroy the equipment.

The fourth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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While the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. is operating underground, I am unable to give you clear coordinates for this mission. Use the initial of your middle name to plot your path. For example, if your middle name is Zoe, travel along the street heading East, then diagonally across the street, then head East again. If it’s Luke, turn left (not right, Donna) at the end of the road. If it’s Warren, I don’t know what to tell you. Figure it out. 

At the end location, there will be an item of interest to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Use your toileting entertainment device’s camera function to discreetly snapshot this intelligence, then transmit back to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. via the channel of the bird, using #TerraceTo5K. Our analysts will know what to do. Ensure that the subject within the image is not necessarily the object of first focus. Remember: we are testing your ability to code your message within a message.

The third instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page.

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Scan your periphery. Are you being followed? You may need to alter your path. Cross to the other side of the asphalted traffic movement area. If in doubt, bend to tie your shoelace then do a subtle U-turn. How did I know your shoes had laces? If you had followed agency protocol, and intelligence reports of local attire, you should currently be wearing runners, converse sneakers or black Doc Martens boots.